Last night, while staring at the plain empty wall and while trying to sleep without the usual Al-Baqarah mp3 to lull me to sleep, I was thinking hard.My mind was roaming mercilessly, shooting and bouncing everywhere if I could visualize it that way. I am what I am now. InsyaAllah with the mercy of Allah, I hope He grants me to be istiqomah, to be firm in what I'm already practising, insyaAllah.
As I said, my going to Kuching was not easy for me. I have to leave loved ones, especially my ayahbonda. They are the ones I miss most, and then my adik adik. I wonder how Piko is doing right now, I really miss talking heart to heart with her. My heart suddenly felt so empty. I stared at the wall and suddenly I walked to the cabinet and recited Ayatul Allah. Only Allah knows how empty I felt last night. I sought His help. I talked to Him and asked Him to forgive me if I felt that way, e.m.p.t.y and l.o.n.e.l.y. I felt so so so...empty.
Maybe I was so homesick. Maybe I'm on the verge of that monthly moody time. Maybe because someone took my Halal Food prerequisite as something funny. I said, no. When it comes to food, I don't take it as a joke. I am DEAD Serious when it comes to what MAKES ME, my blood, my system. Halaal and Toyyib. So he was shunned. He can be all that loud mouth and as arrogant as the other old boys. But please, please respect my right.
Last night too, I sought Allah's help to make me find and meet any respectable soleh or solehah moslems. I need them to teach me on Loving Allah and Rasullulah (I want to learn more and on-going basis). So far, I haven't found one. Maybe due to where my Fab Crib is located, far away from the moslems' housing area. No mosque nor a humble musolla nearby. Even to find a decent aazan was to turn on the TV (TV1 only ehem ehem) for Malaya's praying times. Pathetic, yeah I know. I sought Allah's help to make me strong against all the Biggest Trials that may come. Here, you just name it. Food, hedonism, bla bla bla. If I lose my Imaan here, I will definitely lost it for good. Nau'zubillah. Let Allah be my guidance.
I am still struggling to survive in this foreign land. I felt so alone aginst all odds. At last, I let Allah decides for me. I'm going to focus on my career here, making new friends and most importantly To Seek His Redha. What ever I do, is to Mencari Redha Allah. I'm not going to stop what I've started. I'm not going to cry on what I might not get, or lose them in the middle of the road. The world doesn't stop and gives pity on you. Only Allah does. Only if we look back, and evaluate our life, we can improve on what best to be done, how best to achieve it and how to be the best khalif in ourselves. Wa makaruu wa makarallah, wallahukhairul maakirin. This I will hold to my dear fragile life and always believe in Allah's Greatest Plan. This is HIS RIGHT. Not mine.
InsyaAllah, I won't rely on humans now. Humans are so unpredictable. Yes, I do agree we need each other, but not to the extend of 100% relying on them. I thank Allah for giving me the best ayahbonda and adik adik for their unconditional love. Love without any prerequisites. I have nothing, only love. That is all I can offer to them. Unconditionally, until the end of time, InsyaAllah...
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