+..Why Insecurities are Dangerous?..+

It was still Thursday Oct 12. I was down with my triple combo and hope that Boe will call up and ask how am I doing. But no-oo, i was instead doing that as I can't stand not listening to his voice. He was also on leave that day. He said he had no mood and his back hurt like hell.

I felt all wrong that day. Why Boe kept me in the dark about his leave and why can't he call? Then I remembered texting him 3 intuitive suggestions or recommendations...some sorta ideas that came thru me after he talked about his friend, T.

i don't like T as he is seen as a flirt. A guy who cheats and just wanna have fun without any commitments. I just don't want Boe to be like him.

SMS 1:
Boe, I don't want us to be like T and his ex...

SMS 2:
I give you three years. i don't mind waiting that long, but if you think you can't see any further from this relationship, then I would like you to permit me to marry somebody else. After all, my bio clock is ticking fast. I only want babies, and I don't care who the father is.

SMS 3:
Afterall, wa maakaruu wa maakarallah, wallahu khairul maakirinn..(Man plans, God also plans, But God plan's the best). Who knows, I might not live up to that day or I might not be able to conceive...

No reply afterwards...

That was the reason he took a day leave as (i think) I gave him headache...

He texted me later that night and asked me what do I really want. Just point it out to him and tell him straight. (As if I wanna break with him cos I'm having someone else..)Bah!

SMS:
i just need your attention. Sometimes, I feel like I'm totally alone and lonely. Sometimes i feel like you ignore me, esp. when I'm sick. As if you don't really care abt me.

A little past midnite, Boe texted me:
i do miss u and don't lie about tat...im sorry for what I am...

Fright day...

On Friday, he called and asked about me. Ha Ha. But then another drama happened. He was on his way back when he mentioned a Southern Bank's employee's name. A gal i named Biachi. Biachi was one of Boe's teambuilding (TB) customers way back a month ago. He mentioned about Biachi who wanna meet him up before she leaves the TB's venue. Boe was actually the organiser. He declined the gal's request while he was on the fon with moi.

Little that i expected this Biachi was still on hot pursuit with Boe with her unreplied messages (or so, Boe claimed). I was filled with rage and jealousy as if Boe was unfaithful to moi. Boe explained that she already have a bf, but at the same time she wants my Boe. reason being? She put reasons like her bf beats her and he's having another gf. Huhuh..which Bollywood movie is this?

I was so enraged with Boe.

I said, if you could shoo the Shell and the TNR gal to not contact you, why don't you do the same to Biachi?

>>I didn't reply any of her messages at all

> but it's been a month long!!

>>I just ignore her, sooner or later she would bore herself, and btw, i've already said that i have you. if she wants, we could go out together...but she said,"seganlaaa"

>yes! because she just want to date you, not with me around! Just tricked her into a date, and surprise her with my presence, laa! this Biachi must be something, right? Unlike the Shell and TNR gals, she's fair skinned, small and thin...she's prettier, that's why you layan her, right?

>>OMG! i really hate it if you kept thinking that way...

(shorthened the drama)

He sms-ed me and he said he hated it when i speak merepek like that...something that I creatively thought to put the blame on Boe. He said he don't know what else to be done. It seems like I hurt his feelings by inventing my own story to befit my own ideas of men's attitude towards women. He said I might be doing the thing (unfaithful)to him, and that's the reason of my sms.

i relayed that i hate Biachi so much for woo-ing Boe and I could not tolerate Boe's biasness towards Biachi. Why can't he treat Biachi like he treated Shell/ TNR gals last time?

He hates my attitude and said, if he really wants Biachi, he will tell me straightforwardly. Well, he is a point blank kinda person. I know he won't bluff about things he's sure of.

>> Look *taichee*, I do love you but Im not going to talk to you as long as you don't want to change this attitude, if you still wanna argue..better we stop it here...think with your brain, not with your heart...

> I HATE YOU TOO FOR BEING SO BIAS!!

>>What does that mean? Goodbye?..be honest *taichee*..you want me to go?..

>NO! I just hate that w*$#e and your biasness with her!

>> you know what I meant...or you just pretend to not understand it. It's *you*

after a long pause...and after reading some notes i made on our journey as a couple...after a long, long history of my insecurities towards men (beginning with Pacai, Amir, Vi and so forth..yeah THAT long...i still have my journals) I came to a conclusion:-

I'm a jealous freako. i'm full of relationship insecurities. When I love someone so deep (like Amey), i tend to become so posessive and obsessive. I should slow down my emo graph and accept Boe as he is now. Too much emo is not good, it could kill a good relationship like what we are already experiencing.

I apologise to Boe, by saying that i was a bit far off the chart.

He called me at 3 am Saturday to talk about this heart to heart. He wants me to be around and that he is serious about what he said. He didn't say the L word just yet but he said, he never do things half way. If he's in, he means business. Yeah so business-minded la pulak. But then again, being the learned person that he is, he said, jodoh, ajal dan maut di tangan Tuhan. Man proposes God disposes...

We talked for an hour before sahur. He had to go to work by 830. So we kissed and made up.

By 1 pm Saturday, I was at his office, and begin a new happy laughing day for both of us.

So people, once you feel insecure, communicate. iron it out and talk. We women always have this problem regardless of how successful, how beautiful, how lucky we are. Its in the X genes, OK? Lucky Boe is full of patience and know how to manouvre me around. Like a good khalif, he learns and he perfected that with his actions. Not just empty talks. He's a good decision maker and he's firm as err.. rock! A no-nonsense man he is...I think I'm lucky to have him as my 30th birthday present!

Note to self: Alhamdulillah... Kenapalah, tak syukur-syukur? Apa lagi aku nak, ha?