.:Stupid Paranoia Bitch::.

I know its hard word up there right? But thats how exactly I acted. A stupid bitch's paranoia. I was paranoid over some *vacuumed* communication. I was paranoid over an unknown, and i thought I was being creative. Creative my ass...Now where did I heard that curiousity kills the cat? For this, true as what my bro said, I'm the cattiest person alive. So this cattiest person deserves to be killed for her stupid curiousity. Again and again for nine times...as cats never learn in their nine lives.

Sorry kids, if you're already reading this, please go back to your momma and let her do the [alt+F4] thingy for you. This is definitely not for you kids out there who cringe if these words are written or spoken. It applies very well here especially to *me*.

You know, it's not easy to be a quarter life gal who try to (at least) avoids bigger questions in her life. At this age, a lot of quarter life gals are either married with kids or very successful in their careers (yeah like posting a high flyer job - A Manager at least). I am not there or anywhere. I feel like I'm nowhere to be marked even the littlest existence on this God-loved earth, my life is not significant to be charted here. I'm the ghost who bleeds, who cries and wails like a baby. I'm a paranoia, maybe I'm beginning to be a psychopath who destroys my beloved lives.

I feel like that to everybody, an annoying parasite who destroys everyone's life. *everyone*. Without realising that this stupid insanity is dangerous, I thought I'm being creative. Maybe because I lacked attention and love. Since I was young, I always wanted to be a boy so that I'd grew stronger emotionally and physically, that I could do a man's job. I feel like that since dad loved my bro so much. I defied everything that associated me with being *girlish*. I took mechanical, electrical and piping drawing and carpentry instead of the usual girlish' ERT classes. I took science classes instead of accounting to defy being like my mom. I rebelled dad and did things by my own creative thinking...but little that I know Man Proposes, God Disposes. The very same *tomboy* girl who thought she hated everything associated with being a girl, finally fell in love with a pest like Pacai...and soon she destroyed her own life without realising it had domino effect to the person who loves her afterwards...way in the future.

You see, I guess my real problem came when I really really fell in love with someone. At the same time, I was paranoid to even suggest that kind of relation ever exists. To be a total paranoia if one says he loves me for me, but at the same time trying to deny everything and run? Trying to be stupid enough to create havoc in life as if an inner tsunami just hit both her brains out? I was stupid to let my love go out of grasp. It slipped because i let it happened.

My problem is that, I can't have a relationship even if I'm dying to have one. Cos the problem lies in me. I'm the cause of all my failures. Too in love and too afraid to trust. Too in love and too suspicious. Too in love and too stupid. How can I have both paradoxes at the same time? How can I go forward if my feet kept turning backwards? How can I accept if Im not willing to receive? Does this came as a curse of being dejected, being lied and hurt, left alone and bleed alone like last time? It's a curse that I have to pay in high price. I've lost a lot...

Maybe I deemed to sacrifice things, if only I can make it right again, I will.
I will sacrifice for the sake of making amends to the people I've hurt.
I will sacrifice even if it means not seeing him anymore...
I will sacrifice if that what it takes to at least repair a little portion of damaged done.

I'm sorry for being so selfish and so stupid. I'm sorry...I really am so sorry for things like this. I guess I was never meant to be with anyone cos I'm unable to love...cos when I love, I love him like that stupid paranoia bitch.

Guilty as charge and deserves to be punished to be in this curse for life!
What have I done!!!...