Am I jealous of her? I am not. She has loads of things happening to her. Well in particular, that she has a real boyfriend. I marveled on how fast she could be in love with somebody. She said they declared as an item within a day. What? A day? You must be kidding me. I don’t believe in love at first sight. Nope.
I was in a bowling tournament on Saturday when a colleague of mine brought his wife and kids along. I immediately saw a baby in his stroller, looking so chubby and cute and as if wanting me to cuddle and hug him immediately. I asked his name, Adam Hakim. Well it sounded like that. The mother said, it was quite unusual for him to be picked be carried by strangers. Maybe, I already looked like a mother to babies point of view cos that was not the first time.
I dreaded having babies of my own. Ha ha! How on earth am I going to have babies if I do not have husband to make babies with? Ha ha! Dodgy…and how on earth am I going to be somebody’s wife if I do not have any marriageable boyfriend?
Last weekend, when mama was in KL, she told us (Dilot and I) that dad already *belek-belek* cute dress for baby girl. He said to mama, “this dress is cute, if only we have grandchildren…” Enough said. Mama even gave me Cik Lehas (one of mama’s good friends in KK) souvenir to me – a charm bracelet. Mama said, according to Cik Leha (she descents from Chinese + Kadazan + Bruneian) belief, that charm might bring jodoh to me. A fengshui bracelet made of pinkish, purplish crystal. I wore it for a few days only. Hmm..i do not believe jodoh needs help from a fengshui bracelet?
One colleague, Abg Din, mind you he already have two sons in law and told me to read Surah 1000 dinar? I cannot seem to remember which surah. I thought that surah is meant for good fortune and prosperity? He said, yes, jodoh is also considered as murah rezeki. Just read it after each solat. Being so lazy, I have not practiced it. Not just yet.
In life, when you have already said and done that, you just came to a brink of let things be on its course. Go with the flow and stuff. Then you will realize, it is not that easy. Excess baggage keeps reminding you of your past. Haunts your mind and glued to you like your own shadow. It is inseparable. Each time that happens, it hurts. Yes. It hurts and that made you feel all this while it went down the drain, your energy and everything including most importantly your hope. Your HOPE.
When it hurts, everything else falls back into reality. When it falls, it went deep down penetrating your innermost, darkest, coldest self. Am I that desperate? In my case, time is ticking fast. Time to move on if there is no momentum, no acceleration and no chemistry. Time to really find somebody who is really worth it…worth my energy, my time and most of all, worth my love…
to quote my special special somebody:
It is really worth marrying somebody who can gives you RM8 if he has only RM10 at that time. Unlike somebody who has thousands, but gives you only RM8….
If only he doesn't belong to anyone…
No comments:
Post a Comment