The Nose’s Not That Sharp, The Cheeks Are Sengets

[This update contains a bit of profanities and cusses. But's already being censored at its best! - You've been warned of this blog's tone!]

First and foremost, I'm dedicating this blog write up to Pah and Encik Abang. Both influential people who gives me the inspiration to wake up, open my eyes and to feel that I'm still worth it! En. Abg: I know you didn't just dissapear. I was the one who ran away from you. You know why. And I thank you for still having the sincerest intention, to love me unconditionally. Even though how ****ed up my life could be now. Thank you for standing by me and put me in that special place in you heart. Heart you En. Abang! (Only he called me up to say positive things to me when I was really down the gutter feeling unworthy of living)

Okay.

Let’s make fun of my recent heartbreak. It supposed to be in Bahasa, "Hidung Tak Mancung, Pipi Tersorong Sorong". Well, just to make it less painful and let me do the joke (instead of you guys)

It’s official that he’s leaving yours truly for the “better” gal.

Well, as most of you guys have commented that dia can choose me over her but he chose NOT TO. Thanks to Bear (zufi), Pah, Jiji , Bel, Dilot, Taro and all of you guys (including The Encik Abang) who have supported me to go on even after so many failures and heartbreaks ‘til my overriped age of 3n (fill in the numbers)! You guys rock me even though we’re one Laut China Selatan apart!

The hardest part of a broken heart is to survive the mourning, the post, the trauma. The GRIEVE! Especially so when I’m away from my good buddies and beloved family. So do tell me brothas and sistas. If you’re in my shoes, what do you do? Alone and lonely and far away from where you belong? What do you do my dear friends?

You know, sometimes it’s easier said than done especially when you never had this excruciating pain before. Have you? Have you ever had so many relationship failures before? For all I care, most of you did fall in love once, a bit quarrel here and there, continued (and recycled on and on) and got married with the same guy (or perhaps two exes the most?). Some of you got even luckier to marry someone who’s already made for you. You didn’t have to go thru heart broken breaks (tengok English aku pun hampeh dah). Unlike me and some other girls I know, we’ve been to so many stages of life, so many exes, so many stories but we ended up the same; being a spinster! You think I love being labeled that way? Huh? Huh? Do you? Me a successful executive (insyaAllah) who has nearly everything but not LOVE? Now go clap yourself silly (especially *you* who dumped me).

What do you expect from a younger nearly 10 years age gap guy who secretly has other 21-sweet-lil-thang girlfriend, waiting for his wedding marches and wedding ring in Terengganu? What do you expect from a guy who was equally lonely away from his family too? This was lame excuses to me. I know. For *** sake, he’s single and available and he happened to play with fire when he met me! So called, “lonely” and “can’t help falling in love with you when I met you” crap are all BS! So called can’t have the heart to get away from the bride-in-waiting (BIW) just because their families are bonded like they’re already in-laws! (My foot!). That's why in Islam there's no such thing as dating. If you like the gal, go propose. No more tug of war like what I've experienced here. Such a waste of energy and time (and heart too) lah!

I can’t get this straight. Then why did this guy fell in love with me so helplessly? He can say NO when his friends tried to patch us up. He will not even think TWICE to call and meet me up. He will not even think to call me every single day at least twice a day especially during Ramadhan just to wake me up for sahur and asked me what I was having for iftar? Why did he do that to me? Why did he make me fall in love with him? Why the ***ing trouble? Does his Ganu gal at that time already bores him? Or he just want to test his ****ing water on me? (Well you know while he was mengurat-ing me, I already had Encik Abang who happened to motivate me to go for this guy) How ironic! It’s like a satiric sad love movie. Like I was Renee Zellweger in some sad soppy love story. Not!

The WILD THEORY!

Issit because I was too hot to handle? Issit because his BIW was not as mature, understanding, loving, manja like me? Because she behaves her age, (21) craving for every seconds attention? Issit because he was being challenged by his mates to mengurat me as I was older, a successful (aminn) executive who is still not married? Once he got me, he won? Is that it? Issit some kinda prove that I can be easily tricked into a love trap? Well, Azim. I did fall for you sincerely. I thought we had that chemistry. You and me. I thought he was The One! Oh man! I’m so-so-so WRONG! I was so wrong to the very nucleus of my faith in him. It was only my pseudo happiness. Well at least I thought he made me happiest during my lonely time in Sarawak. He on the other hand may have thought that only his baby Ganu gal makes him happiest! So perasan yours truly. (Okay go and clap yourself silly, don’t forget to roll out laughing and banging your head for this joke)

Alhamdulillah I can get it over with (a bit) with (time framed) loads of grieving and to look at myself at the mirror saying I can get over this! Allah gives me strength to do things. I am strong! I contacted friends and they mentioned happy things. My new potential customer is ordering, my neighbour wants to buy my Ole Obit for my named price, somebody already “asked” me out so a lot of happier news to brighten me up. Including Effi’s new pimped ole car that Piko was exaggerating. Nearly everybody questioned why I remained with dia since they was counting the seconds for him to leave me, anytime soon. Guys? Okay you win. He left me already. Happy?

Grieving period was not totally over (barely two goddamn weeks). I’m still grieving on why on earth I make myself fallible? During our dinner with the SIRIM auditor just recently, my colleagues teased me so hard that I was stupefied so suddenly, trying so hard to hold the tears. They were teasing on my status thinking I was still with dia.

So I bluntly said, “No. I think I won’t be settling down now that I’m already at the age of infertility.”

How on earth can they came up with things like, “That’s why you cannot ask for a BG (bank guarantee) or a collateral when you meet a guy! As if you’re doing business…!”

Bwahahaha! They laughed all right but lil that they knew that I was cringing and crying silently. How I hate people who spread the words that I was already seeing dia in Bintulu. How I cringed every time our meetings will be held there (I used to tap dancing last time looking forward to meet dia). How I cringed meeting my Bintulu dealer asking how he’s doing and stuff that no longer related to me! (Cos he happened to kantoi meeting us eating breakfast in Bintulu). How I cringed looking at his stuff and remembering all those sweet memories. How I wish I could have a memory blockage to dia! Permanently stashed away under that ugly dark box, never to be remembered again!

The small lil things that make me smile did make my day. Well, looking at the bright side, I won’t be fretting over the years thinking that dia would stray away with a younger hot (aku lagi hot hokey!) gedebab chick (cos I’ll age faster). Even though I would highly give a nod of consent to his second marriage to the younger gal. Now that he’s gone, I’m saved! Yay! Only Effi got the phaedo(phile) label now in the family. It would be hilarious to think how 69 (READ: topsy turvy) our family would be if Effi would be having a much younger bro in law who’s married to me, while Effi’s would-be-wife is slightly 2 years younger than my husband. Got it? 69?( Haip! Korang ni otak kotor ke) It would surely be weird enough to have a husband who is younger even to my third sister. Now think about the consequence of having a wife who is a lot older than his elder brother and sisters. That’s totally weird. Me calling his elder bro and sis Kakak and Abang (Well I’ve already done that out of respect anyho). Okay you older gals, for me it's okay to date nearly 10 years younger guy. The adrenaline, the energy, the modjo was a totally different thing comparing to dating a guy with the same age (or older). [Terasa aku ni sugar mummy pulok!]

I want to give my all to take care of dia, willing myself to know his mother and family. No wonder dia doesn’t want me to buy a handbag (I know how she loves bags and shoes) for his mom! Dia was afraid that her mother would blow to pieces once she knew he was seeing other gal than BIW! But do you ever realize, a mother would be happy for whoever her son chooses, right? A mother would be happier if the gal that her son chooses won’t give her son (and the whole family) trouble, mentally and monetarily. Instead, the gal won’t be burdening him with worldly stuff as she can get them herself. The gal will shower her love to his family as she truly deeply in love with him. Sincerely. Wholeheartedly. This way, he can continue to provide for his family back home cause both of us already earn good moolah (instead of only one-if he chooses BIW). But hey! I’m only talking about my stupid imagination. The fact? He already chose her over me. Get a life, Taichee! Move on already! He loves her more!

What a shame! Her mother would have been thrilled to know what I can offer (if given the chance but not!). How much I am worth every living and breathing cell. I am a potential good daughter in law. My prospects are good (err intelligent, healthy and not to mentioned the good genes grandchildren, HOH!) Both my family and him would have been bonded even stronger than what he’s having (with BIW’s family). Taking for example Dilot’s in laws in Penang. Sigh! That’ll be his loss and other man’s gain (insyaAllah). Come on Positive Thinking! (I can't help boasting about Saharudin clan!)

Okay. So you peeps out there, to Linda Jasmine who’s married to Que Haidar, to Deja Moss, to what’s the ole perasan-macam-Siti Khadijah actress’ name that I forgot makcik apakenama umur 50 kawen 20an, to Rita Rudaini who married that 21 year old Perlis footballer, to all who’s married to 10 years younger or more chap, I salute you. I really do. Those guys were really into you, who’s willing to sacrifice marrying older women, who’s willing to accept who we are, who’s willing to go against all odds just to make you their queen of their heart. Those young guys are guaranteed to be well taken care of with spilling over Tender Loving Care. Hmm..unfortunately the younger guy I dated, chicken out simply because I’m NOT WORTH his every hassles. I’m NOT WORTH for him to fight for. Why fight the losing war, so he thought!

Hehehe.. How funny life could be. Instead of sad, I should be smiling and thankful. I thank Allah for waking me up, to make me realize that I’m not the celebrity (like those gorgeous women up there) that are worth fighting for. I'm just a not so normal not so young woman exec who happen to cook, take care of the household, able to provide tender loving care unconditionally...

It’s his loss! InsyaAllah, it was proven over time that I was and still good with emak emak orang, he didn’t have to fret buying me things, if we’re together he didn’t have to fret there’s not enough money (as we’re both working with the same good & stable organization), we can share buying a good home with the loan we both entitled, and the biggest loss that he’ll be having is being excluded in the fab loving marvelous Saharudin’s family. Oh! What loss!

According to one Facebook Guy (FBG), “x logik jg klu org secantik awak xde org nak...udah la cantik keje pula bagus...klu cam2 awak tunggu saya je la...” Well, being pretty alone was not a guarantee to be hitched. Bak kata FBG lagi, “Saya minat nak kenal awak sbb badan awak sedap sedap, tak kurus tak gemuk”. That made me laugh like a hyena at 1am this morning due to his straightforwardness. Confirmed an unromantic guy. But at the helm of my bitterness of remembering dia, hmm what the heck? If dia doesn’t want me, lautan kan luas (bak kata Farina). Make the FBG work a bit to get me. If he insisted to see me (as our first date to know each other), hmm let’s see whether he can see me at home with the Saharudin clan.

Oh yeah. FYI: FBG did call to know me more. Hmm.. Cinta Sayang kat orang sekarang tak ada nilai kalau dipersiakan mcm dia buat pada aku, kan? So biarlah orang yang carik kita dan sayang kita (dari kita dok tunggu dia pilih kita tanpa sebarang persoalan).

I end my monologue with another cringe and cries in silent.

Life didn't stop for me to grieve forever. I need to keep the pace before I reach 35! InsyaAllah. Amin.

psst: As IF I want to have another heartbreaking relationship that fast, huh? Like a span of 13 days? For what? For me to cry my eyes and brain out? *** lah