+..b l a n k ..+

I have a dream of having my own child. Lately it becomes unbearable to see couples with their babies. Unbearable to see mothers-to-be...unbearable to see baby carts and signages that linked to babies. I don't know what you call this emotional crisis.

I don't know why I'm looking forward for my own baby eventho I can't see myself marrying a man. I MEAN, husband comes later than having a baby. Its not that I want to have illegal baby...but I just want it to be *there*. Baby to be cuddled to, called to...to nurture and love them so much. I think I can make a good mom. But husband? Err...no...not husband.

I'm not that desperate to get married. In fact I think its a jinx to talk about marriage while you're in love. I've always ended up being single after discussing about this with my last time bf. Last night, I was thinking about Amir. I hope he's happily married. Probably he's having two children now. Sometimes that thought haunt me...Courting for two and a half years, but ended up different ways. I think of him once awhile. You know questions like what's he doing right now...he's news...but I know...it will make me sadder. It's always that First Love that lingers like forever in your head. Well in my case, that is. I want to talk to him again...but what's the use?

B is okay. In fact he's all in the package...sometimes he surpassed Amir...but I don't want to put so much hope. I live by the day. No dreams to share. Just a step at a time. For how long? I don't know. When he talked, he pointed it at close range without missing a bullet. Sometimes, when he said things...it hurts. But different people, different attitude, different style. He's a no-nonsense kinda guy. I respect him for that...for what he is.

Maybe what Amir did leave a permanent scar on me...but last night, I prayed that he will find happiness, I've already forgiven him. But it's hard to forget him. I also pray for everybody. Maybe I'm meant to be like this. Lonely...maybe its best to be like this. God knows...