+..i want to, but..+

Nowadays my sleep were not as sound as it was. I had trouble sleeping and occasionally woke up and did some thinking...it went til wee hours before fajr. I was already up and about for work by then.

At this age, sleep doesn't look like what it used to be. It is just a temporary time for me to forget my worldly things for few hours...or sometimes to create a world where I can freely do what I want and what I can be, or what I can have...but nightmares come without being invited, too.

I want to change my view on certain things. For instance, to accept and to forgive. I also want to learn to trust. For now, my level of trust towards *men* are very low. I tried to break that untrust but I can't. There will always be that *stigma*. Its true that sometimes women never forget her first love. Maybe I still think of him. Maybe I kept on benchmarking him with other people and set my own standard at least with his level. Maybe...

I want to change. I want to support my man. I want to give him all the happiness in the world. Until that man resides permanently in my heart...I will always be the girl that I am now.

"Apabila hati terikat dengan Allah, kembalilah wanita dengan asal
fitrah kejadiannya, menyejukkan hati dan menjadi perhiasan kepada dunia - si
gadis dengan sifat sopan dan malu, anak yang taat kepada ibu bapa, isteri yang
menyerahkan kasih sayang,
kesetiaan dan ketaatan hanya pada suami."

I hope I can be that kind of woman with a lot of patience and sacrificing on my part. But at least I want to change...