.:A question that needs no answer:.

Today's blog was born out of a question. A question of what I really want? I wish, I was in 1995- 1996. When I registered myself in a science foundation. when I was still a soft spoken, sweet and ladylike. When I first met Niza, my grungy best friend now (which happened to hail from Johor - where i came from). When I was as thin as a pencil and no nuts about love and betrayal. When I scored most As in my exams. When I was ever so popular with the guys in college.

I wish I haven't known Pacai, the man whom I trusted and gave most of my scholarship money for him to buy a bike. yeah I was so naive, so in love and so stupid. He left me soon after he got that bike ( a TZM - was a craze last time), and impregnated a gal (as he became the Mat rempit that time). I left him after *the signs* were well read.

I was depressed. I tumbled down the hill, flopped on my face. I was not a good student anymore. I failed most of my subjects. Maybe ALL except English. So every semester, I attended the repeat papers exams. semesters after semesters. I've already applied to itm, as my future in UM was bleak and unpromising due to my own fault, my own emotion, my own choice. I've befriended the wrong people. My alter ego said, I was strong. I could replace Pacai anytime i want. And yet, it landed me another loser named Man who was not only unemployed, but also very abusive.

Man was the youngest child in his family. He craved for my attention, irrationally. I used to turn down his offer, and was slapped right and left. The scar? i couldn't hear properly when someone tried to talk to me, especially if she/ he spoke too softly. I'm half deaf. It might be amusing to some, but this is the truth about me.

After Man, I've known Am. He was a widower and was kind to me. He was 37 y-o when I was 20 - 21. But he too used me for his own benefits, my car, my money and my name to apply for a ADAM registration. I was so-oo stupid, i thought by loving someone, he will love me in return. hooo boy! i was so wrong to the bone.

Eventually my action of not attending any classes nor tutorials made Dr. Sahar to be my counsellor. I was called Cempaka. He asked me and two of my friends what was wrong. Well it was just us. We made and chose wrong decisions. My mother knew about this and fell sick.. She worried about me. I used to want to run away from my grand's house while seating for my repeat papers. I wanna run cos it made me felt like i was caged and without any freedom to connect to my real friends. Arwah atuk was the only one who successfully asked me to stay back cos he really loves me, no matter what. I obeyed. For that, I love him so much and miss him dearly. [Al-fatihah]

My exams result came. I was all ready to move out from UM. Dr Sahar personally called and said I was given a second chance to repeat my Science Foundation for the whole year. I cried. I wanted to repent. Melur who stood by me tru ups and downs was also given another chance. Melati meanwhile stood by her decision to take up itm, and do accounting instead. She scored straight As, as she said; nothing compared to the toughness of our science foundation exams. itm was really a piece of cake to her.

Melur and I went thru that humiliating process to repeat our science foundation. We were the pioneers ( as Dr. Sahar believed, we can do it if we want to). We passed our foundation years and determined to score high for our Degree's CGPA. During our first year bachelor's degree, I've promised mom that I will give her all my exams results without opening it first. I've turned myself into a nerd and library as my second home, lecturers are my counsellors/ advisors and computer (with internet) was my best friend. I've been listed in Dean's List 3 times in a row and one 4 flat, which I couldn't believe it myself. I dedicated all my student life to Mama, Abah and Arwah Atuk. Yes i have a boyfriend back then; he was called Am. I ditched him eventually and met AAS. my nick Nihilo when I was crazy with IRC was used to discuss things which connected me to him in Dundee. He was my bf until 3 years back. he used to love me and i was all over the moon. Well, he's happily married now with a child.

So what do I want, you asked?Is it wrong for me to chose a significant other that is better than me as a person? Is it wrong for me to chose my better-pay other half?Is it wrong for me to chose a stable-income guy as a person? I'm already tired of this game. I'm tired of people who said things to me as if they've known me really well. Upside down and all the way supported me when I was in a slump. Do they?

Think again. Cos' what you perceived is only a shell, a cover which hid most of the secrets, experience and hurts. I've learned my lessons really well, ladies and gents.

I am standing up again, and now it's FOR ME.