::when::

i dunno how to re-act now. Should I laugh or should i cry? I feel so *empty*. i felt a huge chunk of my heart being lifted away.

i was so used to tell somebody my day-to-day event. So used to hear his part of life and his passion and his work and everything. So used to be taken care of even tho remotely. So used to be greeted early in the morning, afternoon and night. So used to be *kissed* good night every night even though I only felt it at heart. So used to be at the center of his attention. Imagine being with somebody so remote, but yet you can feel him everywhere, *everyday*. Distance was nothing when he made a lot of effort to call and ask for your well-being, that *you* are of his priority. *You* felt his love, his care and his attention. It was not physical being that matters...but it was the thought that counts. Not just *thought* in mind but you could feel his effort of making sure that was well communicated to you. For this effort, you grew to know and love each other...both parties knew each other's inside and out...and what may transpire if the other party said *cakap tak serupa bikin*. Well, you cannot lie as it can easily be detected since you really know your other half very well.

If people said, love somebody who truly loves you, well for me that is so true. No point of hanging to someone who doesn't really show commitment and intensity in loving you. No point of hoping that the one you hope would bring happiness if you kept holding back to your past and hindering you from moving on. No point if that someone is just there to *fill-in-the-blanks* if and only if you have nobody else with you there or nothing else to do. you take things for granted. So it won't work that way. Sometimes people got married for the sake of getting married, for the sake of not being called a spinster or andartu. Sometimes, they got married for the sake of family affairs and not because they truly love each other. In the later part of that marriage life, it gets depressing and boring. They kept marrying to each other because of their kids and *just because*.

I dunno I will fall into which category. Maybe, I will marry for the sake of ending my 29 yo bachelorhood. For the sake of other people, but not me. For what I stand for may have conflicts and rifts and loads of other unnecessary problems to others. For what I stand for may clashes with somebody's policy and beliefs. For what I stand for is not as ideal as anyone else's, what you see as a stigma to other women here (Malaysia), so let me be unhappy and let me be added into that stat of marry for the sake of getting married. For the sake of marriage convenience. Is that what you want me to?

*not alone but lonely*