::if God permits::

Suddenly I feel like screaming my lungs out!

It’s nearing 150505, a promised date for myself to settle down with someone whom I love, I mean a man that I *really* love.

Deciding on settling down with someone is not as easy as choosing a new pair of boots nor a dress to party. You are not really sure of the person, not until you live with the significant other. Westerners do it; a live-in partner just to make sure they are comparable and can stand with each other’s company. A try-out.

But being a Muslim and Malay this conduct of behaviour is not permissible. It’s always a risk you have to take, but I call it a challenge. You learn to accept each other’s flaws and weaknesses, enhance each other’s strengths; look out and stand out for the significant other. Marriage is a challenge for both of you to sustain, a yin and yang process.

I’m beginning to break the wall I built. Slowly the wall crumbles to ground as my feelings are getting stronger. I know I shouldn’t. How possible can one deny the love that has grown from the seed he had sowed? God created brains and put it on top of other organs in humans. He created mind for you to make use of. But feelings can always cheat you. I tried and still try to think it rationally whether it can be worked out. How can I not accept these true feelings that he have showed? Deny everything and pretend?

If God permits us to marry each other, then let be. Time will tell if we are really meant for each other. As people already observed, we’re an item that is inseparable. That hurts me most. He’s now away up north while I’m here. This long distance relationship bites me in deeply. Even though he calls everyday, without his gaze, without his physical being, I feel so lost. He is my yang. If only we met 6 years ago, things would have changed. How could I be so selfish when he has his own obligation and responsibilities?

There must be some reasons why God wants us to know each other. Why God makes me love him. He showed me the light and gave me the rope to climb up from my fall. Even how harsh I treated him last time for him to forget me, but it goes stronger now. This relationship is unstoppable unless somebody can steal his love away from me.

Another challenge awaits me, physically and mentally. I can feel it’ll challenge me to the maximum. This is my new life. How beautiful it’ll be is up to me to draw the picture even if I have to borrow someone else’s palette of colours…