A Gift,Fidelity & Hope

He gave me you for a reason. And it was never coincidental. 

and with one way for hoping for the best 

and through Allah we seek help, and for Him our only hope and dreams..The ONLY one that I sought for. For me to be finally yours

Thank you for loving me
Nothing Else, Nothing less, Nothing More

3:42 - 3:47 <3
i so wish to do that...

stop. look. listen

i am blardy pissed and sad at the same time.

i don't need any patronizing from anybody. i own my actions and my words. decision and action is mine, only mine. benefits or failures are also mine. can u please leave my affairs alone cos i never ask anyone to meddle with it and take ownership of any. i know that you cared. If you really care about me, please consider doing things with my permission not without it and jumped straight on the band wagon and wallop anyone who may be innocent? Especially using words that I found so unlikely to come from someone. Yes. I was shocked.

After all, what has one to do with you since it deals directly with me and the circumstances are for me to bear. Isn't it rude and a show of disrespect to overrule my feelings and decision and jumped straight to a judgement without trial nor without understanding of one issue or history?

I am blardy tired. Cos I blardy tried my best and it still didn't rectify any. Maybe the one fault that I could own is how blardy late I responded. Yeah. not everyone has the luxury of doing lotsa thing. Yes. I could stop everything from happening. If only I have that little window to respond earlier. This would not have happened.

Its better to keep things to myself now. Yeah. I learned it hard cos I thought someone out there really understand me on how I think. How I act and react and why I chose my words as such. I'm just like this poor little dear that was caught in a middle of two angry elephants. Whatever side I may be, I will be stomped like roti canai. At least the other party already stop at one bit and doesn't have to highlight the ONE thing that was so OBVIOUSLY stated again and again. Yeah. I got it. I ain't no fool and ain't blind either. Too much of a thing really annoys and irritates me. It hurts me so much again and again. My heart bleeds every time I see it. I wept in silence and caused me my insomnia.

At current state of mind, I direct all my energy for my career. I was in yellow light all this while and is yet to progress to green. I let Allah decide and create the path for me afterwards cos I'm done tired and worn out.

On other note:
For me, it's enough to put one in my All Time Bad Book and Tahik List (yes. tahik or shit in English).

1. One who actually robbed me off RM10,000 and is now in hiding happily with either his list of girlfriends or wife (where my money can be easily exhausted in a blink of an eye)
2. One who promises the gold, the diamond and whatnot to the parents and elders, but only to be given to other girl than me

For so many seasons, I have aged with time. Aren't that enough for my own judgment? Anyway, aren't what I hold for so long isn't good enough? Wamakaru wamakarallah wallahukhairul maakiriin...

I'm still intact in one piece. I'm still able to do things with my hard earned moolah. I'm still safe and sound and what's MORE important, "Can You See That I Am Happy and Live Happily with All of Yous?".

What ELSE do you want from me?

Can I just be HAPPY for ONCE in my LIFETIME?

Or you rather see me live miserably, just like old times?

Thanks but NO, thanks :)

Tried and TIRED!!

I have given all and given my best.

Why why is it still there and keep on and keep on highlighting days and weeks and months. 

Yes. It's me and my ability to read between the lines :) I hate being able to know cos it makes me sad. Isn't it good to be able to stay ignorant and live in bliss? I can't cos it kept on highlighting and stressing and making a point to the world again and again. IT MAKES ME CRAZY AND SAD at the same time!!!

I don't have to try and patch things up or fix something that have broken. Cos whateva I do it won't be good enough although that was not my mistake or anyone's mistake. It just DID and people just could not comprehend things that was beyond their understanding. They won't and they couldn't cos their mind was shut closed for good.  Go ahead and ignore my feelings. Go ahead and do what ones do but please stop doing things on my behalf. Can't see you see? Can't you see it's my right and prerogative? After all that I've done, I will still be blamed and at fault. Although it's my right and not yours. Its MY RIGHT for my OWN ACTION   and not yours? Can't you see? 

It's about time to put it away for good. Tong Sampah. 

Since I've tried my best and there are still a big wall in between, what can I say? I move on. I won't dwell into things that I don't see any progress and wasting my time. For now, let's just say it is safe to be tucked in my own world, myself. And who are *YOU* to judge others? You're just like me - human. 

Satu Kejutan utk Hari Yg Lemau (Berita Basi)

Ini ialah berita basi hari ini.

Hek hek..manalah tak basi sebab kejadian dia minggu lepas 11hb 3 = 1+1+3 = 5. Lalalala..(tau tak kena mengena tapi saya suka nomor 5 hokeh!) Pandai betul org tu plan nak men surprisekan saya. Saya sungguh terharu taw.. (i___i). Sungguh saya keluar airmata sebab kebestan kejutan itus.

Disebabkan saya punya gamba lomo tu hari org tu kata shantek (especially bab air biru kate beliau), maka org itu pegang janji nak bagi saya hadiah. Ohoho...tapi tak sangka lak, hadiah tu pada 11 hb 3 ketika saya sedang stress berat pegi kursus kepala berat bertajuk ISO9001 Lead Auditor Course yang ada exam tuh! Kepala dah weng ngan keja + kos yg heavy...adeyh, tak tahulah saya cemana nak buat Masters nantik (kot iyeee).

So masuk lam bilik hotel jok, atas katil, terletak satu beg Mooks yg shomel. Sengaja jok divert gi toilet dulu, cuci muka, bukak mata (lens daa) and cuci kaki and bersiap sedia nak usha pekenda lam beg kertas tuh. Ropa ropanya; TADAAAAAAAAA~@!!

Woop! Sebelum korang berprasangka buruk, hadiah itu bukan diletakkan oleh org itu ye! tetapi org lain yg diupah utk meletakkan di atas katil bilik saya semasa kepala nak pecah fikir pasal kursus. Oh!! (T__T) ia adalah sebuah kamera lomo idaman dan pojaan hati sejak lama..Special Edition yg chomel laks tuh..ohoho...(nanges terharu). Maka saya pun memeluk kotak itu dan membenamkan muka ke katil sebab teruja + happy + sedey. Ohoho..betapa org itu tahu saya amat minat dengan lomo jenis Diana F+ ini..

Ini ialah kotak spesel edisen. Woot woot~@! Saya sangat sangat gumbire~@! Kotak pun saya jaga wok! Lalalala~@!

Dgn adanye spesel edisen ini, saya juga dapat blaja ilmu lomo dan mendapat inspirasi gamba cemana nak ambik nantik..Alhamdulillah...rezki wok! Terima kasihlah kat org itu yg sayangkan saya sampai tahu apa yang saya betul betul nak...lalalala...

Abah saya pun berminat tau ngan kamera ini. Sebab dari dialah saya suka amek gamba. Anak anak dia yang laen pun aktif amik gamba dan video. Abah saya tau kamera ni guna 120mm dan tau pulak ada 12 atau 16 shot sahaja. Dia kata, "Masa kamu kecik kecik dulu, Abah amek gambar kamu guna kamera Seagull je.Tuh, gamba frame abah masa kecik2 depan umah nenek dulu, pakai kamera yg pandang dari atas tu (aku syak kamera ala Lubitel)"

Yelah...anak2 abah lain pakai DSLR yang canggih manggih. Aku sorang je yang sibuk nak pakai manual. Makanya, dapat la aku blaja dari Abah cemana nak guna kan kan kan? Ala analogi macam kita drive keta manual, insyaAllah tak terkial2 pakai auto kan kan kan?

Sekarang saya sebuk nak blaja pasal 

1. Jenis jenis filem 120mm
2. Aperture
3. ISO (ni pun leh blaja dr filem hek hek)
4. long exposures
5. Super wide angle pin-hole shot
6. Endless panorama
7. Multiple and partial shots
8. Jenis jenis lens
9. Cemana nak guna Splitzer
10. Nak beli 35mm back so bleh guna 35mm film
11. Nak beli Diana Instant Back so bleh dpt film INSTANT~@!
12. Nak beli Diana Multi Pinhole Operator so bleh buat gamba gila crazy tak hengat
13. Nak beli bag kamera --- errr Crumpler, bleh tak? sebab Diana Bag adalah hodoh
14. Jenis jenis film 35mm
15. Nak bergiat aktif upload gamba kat lomo assoc hehehe..

Ouh! Kamera ini adalah multipurpose dan saya sangat jatuh chenta dgn kamera ini (errr..dan bertambah lah chenta kat org itu, of kos). Weehooo~@!

Chayok chayok~@! LOMO ON~@!

Nota kaki:
Doakan saya murah rezeki lagi ye. Heheheh rezeki anak anak...(ecewah! insap kejap)
Tapi tak taulah dapat ke tak, semua tu urusan Allah.
Dah dikenalpasti pun dah cukup bagos, alhamdulillah...

Ini ialah Lomo Cross Process

Halo my virtual emo world~@!

Lama tak hapdet enh? Malas, boleh?
Just nak bagitau, dah lama dah siap gambar lomo Action Sampler Flash kat bawah tuh. Tapi tak terupload jok. Ini semua adalah hasil tercabar dgn incik shayg saya yg nak bagi hadiah kalau dia rasa gamba tu best.

Cross process dr film E6 Slide X Pro ASA 200 to C41. Hasil? Sangat puas hati sbb TTDI Applied Imaging mmg pro bab bab ni. Cuma kena tahan sikit la rega dia mahal. Teringin nak beli Lomo Colour negative 400 tp tak jumpa lagi. Asek habes jok! Ramai gak peminat lomo kat Mesia ni enh?

Mari kita tgk kehenseman kaler kali dia. (pada aku lawa la, ada aku kesah korang nak cakap lawa ke hodoh ke apa? yg penting incik shayg saya suka sudeyh)

half of half of half sbg balancer aku dan dia

gerak gerakkan kaki lelaju

teknik tahan napas dan kua lelaju

teknik amek gamba bunge sambil jalan chillex dan cool dpn zouk 

saya suka tanglong merah dibuai angin

obefiend si willing victim pusing2kan mag sampai sy puasati..

So now.
Action Sampler Flash adalah untuk ambek gamba2 bergerak atau menggerakkan kamera itu.

Sekian.

* Taichee yg best*
Pedehal...~@!

L.omo: I in Lurve

Weee~@!

Yep.

I fell in love with this piece of accidental/ spontaneity/ fun/ no hassle art more than a year ago. I lurve the flash of colours, its ugliness (though I call it uniqueness) when i first set eyes on em at a shop that sells cuppacake. unlike Taro or Yan who lurves ISO & apertures and the different lenses, me? I loike em simple and fun. I loike em snappy. I like em spontaneous. I do not want to think, just shoot! Hehehe

So on the very day I set my eyes on Pavee (READ: my lomo cam's name) and after being shown the camera by an boleh tahan cute excited but artful salesboy, I decided that I must have this baby. Well, prolly because my baby was one of the two in that Mook shop. Since I can't wait to use my hand on it, I snapped and I snapped lotsa thg around KL. In particular, the clubs street at Jalan Pinang, Kg. Baru where lotsa makan area there and of course my walking distance from Pavilion KL back to the hotel (around 6 mins).

akan kucoba tangkap dgn lebih dekat lagi!

Back in Kuching I was so darn teruja, I snapped the last film role on my plane, snapping away the cute stewardess who was helping a passenger. Unfortunately, due to my keterujaan and lack of reading and skill, out of 36 35mm films, only 15 survived.

Yeah 15 bloody crappy print with 60 bloody sen each plus RM6 bloody processing fees. I was frustrated and scold the poor counter gal (i said counter as she did nothing but broken promises). Little that I'd known that this shop other than selling underwater phones, they also "collect" films and digital ones only. They are pro at USB, camera phones, digital SLR and compact, CD and whatnot, but NOT my bloody 35mm analog film! Pfftttt~@! So there goes my moolah and my keterujaan tahap melampau tenuk art! Almost all my captures went blank. I was so devastated!

Aku sepatutnye menari disini, bukan membebel. Budu tol. Ye aku tau aku sudah debab, Ko pehal?

So maybe I should do my own research to find a dedicated analog film processing shop in Kuching. Not the one who "collect" and send em to other places for processing. Lomo is an art. Please don't kill it if you're an idiota! (this one also goes to yours truly la kan)

Note untuk aku:
Although the art was captured last Jan 27 the reason being uploaded now was because my incik shayg has challenged me to get some good lomo piccas. Dia kata nak bagi hadiah. Hehehe..sebab tu aaa teruja balik neh. Ok incik shayg, akan ku sahut panggilan adiah itusss (anyway, saye sayang awak jadi kan sy blaja aa sket sket)

Note to the mass:
If you see an ugly fat girl wif a black crappy freakish camera... well, it would be me prowling on the streets to capture some action. Aku harap takde orang akan parang aku nantiks. Aku nak amek gambo pompan gedik buntut tonggek terkinje hadap mat saleh kat Jalan Pinang. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Note to the mass 2:
Haah. Aku semakin debab as soon as I set foot in Kuching. Not that I ate like mr porky here but i guess happiness makes me one! Mama komfem bising pasal my weight neh. Adeyh.

"Incik abam, awak buatla saye kuciwa wak"
"Nape?"
"kalau saye kuciwe, senang aaa nak slim balik saiz s cam sebelum sy datang Kuching"
"tak bole la wak. tak sampai ati...sbb sy syg awak sangat sangat sangat sangat"
"awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww......"

Sekian.

Kepala di atas Kaki oleh Makcik Alanis Morissette

Aku takde pilihan tapi terpakse dengar kau

kau dah cakap kes kau banyak kali

Aku dah pikir dah

kau layan aku cam puteri 

aku tak biase la suka camtu

Kau tanya aku, cemana hari aku

Kau dah pun menang walaupun aku cenggini

dan jangan pasang alarm lak kalau aku jatuh tergolek kepala atas kaki

Jangan terkezut kalau aku chenta kau utk apa yg kau seadanya

Aku takbleh tolong aaa

Semuanya salah kau

Chenta kau tu tebal dan telan aku seluruhnya

Kau sangat berani dari apa yang aku puji kau

Tu bukan omong kosong

Kau dah pun menang walaupun aku cenggini

dan jangan pasang alarm lak kalau aku jatuh tergolek kepala atas kaki

Jangan terkezut kalau aku chenta kau utk apa yg kau seadanya

Aku takbleh tolong aaa

Semuanya salah kau

Kau tu pelaksana benda2 tanpa syarat

kau tahan napas dan pintu utk aku

Mekasih la sbb kesobaran kau

Kaulah pendengar terbaek yg aku penah jumpa

Kau kawan baek aku

kawan baek dengan banyak kebaikan

Apesal la aku lembab sangat!

Aku tak penah rasa sehat macam ni selama ni

Aku tak penah nak pun apa apa yang rasional

Aku dah sedar dah sekang

Aku dah sedar dah sekang

Kau dah pun menang walaupun aku cenggini

dan jangan pasang alarm lak kalau aku jatuh tergolek kepala atas kaki

Jangan terkezut kalau aku chenta kau utk apa yg kau seadanya

Aku takbleh tolong aaa

Semuanya salah kau

am.i.worth.it

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